i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize