sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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