You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
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I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
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He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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