dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
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They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
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Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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