Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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