I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
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Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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