he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
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I think I sprained my soul last night
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
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My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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