i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
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well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
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Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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