you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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