I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
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We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
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I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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