i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
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Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
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You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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