my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
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i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
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he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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