U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We are two peas in an std pod
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im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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