from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
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He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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