he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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