she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
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I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
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I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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