You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
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The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
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The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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