theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
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No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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