i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
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She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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