I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
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Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
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Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
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