I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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