I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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