I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize