her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
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The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
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Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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