this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
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We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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