I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
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Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
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I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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