and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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