fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
please come you make the beer taste better
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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