If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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