the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
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Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
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He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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