I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
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She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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