sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
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Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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