my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
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The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
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Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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