Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
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The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
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Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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