I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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