It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
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When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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