im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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