atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
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My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
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The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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