My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize