At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
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When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
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There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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