This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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