Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
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Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
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Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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