The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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