We got so high we made milksteak
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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