dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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