Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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