Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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