I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
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I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
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She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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