How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
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I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
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I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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