Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
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We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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